wafblog v3.0

Or at least, my web life. Time that I could be spending constructively (blogging… uhm, I can’t think of anything else) has now been devoured by the ‘social utility’ webpage that is…. Facebook. It really should be called a social menace. But, everyday, I find myself going to there – to see who has added who, if anybody has new photos, what new groups I can join and more recently, what new applications I can stuff into my profile page. Admittedly, it’s made very easy some of the things I wanted to do with this blog. Like, movie reviews! And snap-in Last.FM playlist! And book lists! And soon I hope… game lists! So yeah. I’ll sit at Tichondrius and next thing I know…. four hours have rolled by. Must learn discipline.

I have come to realise that my life is currently this:

Monday-Thurday: Work. If do not finish in time, take work home.
Friday: Work. Go to closest bar. Drink lots of alcimahol. Eat. Drink more. Go to K. Drink more. Go home.
Saturday: Go out. Random events. Try to fit in: dentist appointments, meeting friends, spending time with boy. Usually there’s alcohol involved at night.
Sunday: Rest. Get told off by parents.

I really should try to drink less. Or at least, not be so intent on drinking such large amounts such that I have lose control. But that’s the appeal isn’t it? To lose that control. I suspect I have blogged about this before. And perhaps this is boring. But I think somewhere, in the back of my mind – I know that I shouldn’t need to. I shouldn’t get to a Friday and want that drink (or four). I was asked if I felt like I had something to prove. I probably do. Not sure why. Maybe I’m trying to live up the life that I thought other people were having when I was in uni or whatever. That I didn’t have because I would go home and be good. Or whatever. Somehow this sounds stupid when I try to rationalise it.

Met up with people from uni on the weekend. We went to the Redoak Boutique Beer Cafe! I haven’t seen a lot of people from uni for a while and it’s always good to catch up. Found that people had fragmented into their small groups even more than before and didn’t really get to talk to some of them. That’s probably more my fault than anything. I get comfy with the people that I do talk to and as much as I’ve learnt to be more social, I, like everyone else, tend to stick to the things I know. And then complain that I don’t see enough people or know what’s going on with my friends. So I really should make more effort to keep up. Now to find the time….  I did however, get to try a blackberry beer. And a bunch of others that I don’t know the names to because they came with my food. Must go there again!!

I whinge a lot on here don’t I? Maybe because it’s the outlet for all the bad stuff. Or the stuff that sits on my mind and I don’t really tell people because it’s mainly introspection. My life probably isn’t as bad as I make it out to be. Although recently I can’t seem to do anything right by mum. Which again, is my fault. I should’ve put more effort into her birthday. But this whole her being sick thing, I do not believe makes me the most awful daughter in the world. I do care – and I do make sure she’s ok. Maybe I just don’t do in the way she wants. I got like half a dozen lectures recently, which were all topped off with a “I’ve given up on you ever showing me a little bit of love”. Far out. My parents have never really been the type of parents to be all cuddly with their child or whatever. And we never talk about our feelings or whatever. That’s some other family in some other universe. So what I don’t get, is why all of a sudden that’s meant to be MY family? And why I get lambasted for it? I must’ve missed something somewhere… I’m just not sure where.

So, I haven’t blogged in forever. And I will update..

But really, just wanted to get some things off my chest. Suddenly had an influx of people needing help. Of varying sorts and varying degrees, but help nonetheless. Do these things come in cycles? Or deluges or something? I’m not sure. And it’s not like I mind – I’m more than happy to listen and provide support or whatever’s needed. I just haven’t had that happen for a while. Everything seems better now, and everything’s under control.

Had this really strange ‘down’ feeling today though. Not sure why, maybe compounding stuff?  Work is strange – some days are totally awesome and I’m gettin’ it and it’s all good. And then other days it’s like, falling apart everywhere and I feel like I know nothing. I think I like stability. Surprises usually don’t go my way. And I get that I’m still finding my way. But I feel so unbalanced right now. Not sure how to fix it – because I’m finding that I’m actually happy with things, mostly. And if I’m happy then I’m not sure I should change it. But I think it’s making some people in my life unhappy, and that’s not going to make me happy in the end.

I am absolutely loving this song “The Story” by 30 Seconds to Mars. Yes, the Jared Leto band. And yes, he does seem emo. But the album actually isn’t bad and there are some stand out songs (like this one!). I saw the video clip for “From Yesterday” and thought WTF, but I suppose that’s what they were going for.

I’ve been thinking of everything
I used to want to be
I’ve been thinking of everything
Of me, of you and me

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

I’m in the middle of nothing
And it’s where I want to be
I’m at the bottom of everything
And I finally start to leave

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
I created

And I swear to god
I’ve found myself
In the end

In the end

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
30 Seconds to Mars – The Story

Hrm. Saw ‘Spider-man 3′ last week. I am still undecided on whether I liked it or not. I think that means not. Some parts were very well done, but overall I find it difficult to say that it was a good movie. I’m not sure I want to watch another either. I did like what they did with Venom, but obviously, they didn’t flesh him out enough. Shame – Spider-man 1 & 2 are the best adaptations of comic books, I think.

So, I’ve had this draft of a post sitting in WordPress for like, the last month or so… and it’s meant to be all about what I’ve been up to for the last two months or so. Eventually, I’ll get around to updating it properly. You can see photos here, however. Maybe even put a comment or two :P

Anyways, I’m going up to Brisbane for the Easter weekend. It’s not my first time going to Brisbane, but it is my first time visiting Mike’s family. I’m not really sure what to expect and I feel like there’s pressure on me to… well, I don’t know. I’ve met them before and have gotten along with them all so really there’s nothing to be worried about. But that doesn’t mean I don’t worry anyways. Naturally I feel like I’m going to be judged. That’s normal isn’t it? I’m sure my parents judge Mike every time he comes over, even if they don’t say anything. Perhaps it’s more that I’m putting some pressure on myself? I want to be liked and accepted. Perhaps I just want to be deemed ‘worthy’.

Hopefully when I get back, I’ll have time to finish off that post and start blogging regularly again. I know that I haven’t written for like 2 months, but partly that’s because I’ve found other avenues for getting stuff out. Blogging is a great platform for venting about everyday life and things. But I’ve found recently that e-mailing is in some ways, more therapeutic. You get a well thought out response from someone who cares and has an interest on what you’re saying. There’s feedback to your thoughts and new insights. Whilst I don’t think it will take over blogging, I’ve been a bit stretched for time and have found it to be a more rewarding investment at the moment.

I guess it was bound to happen eventually, and I was sort of seeing the signs but it’s only really now that I’ve realised the full extent of it. It’s kind of scary how much I’ve changed and possible in a backwards sort of way. I’ve never been that open about my feelings, but there’s always been people who have been able to pry me open and get me to talk. I think I spent a lot of last year bottling things and trying to hold it all together for fear of completely falling apart. And then after that, I spent a lot of energy on trying to be ‘better’. But I haven’t dealt with the problems that were there, or the issues that I had (still have) in regards to them. I get the impression that they’re lingering just below the surface and unless I force the issue, may never be dealt with in the proper context. On top of that, I have even more trouble verbalising how I feel now. For fear of being weak, for fear of rejection or ridicule or something else.

To quote Grey’s, I’m “broken”. And much more broken than I thought I was. I am no longer fighting the urge to shut down, and I think that’s because in most aspects I already have. I’m not really sure how to go about fixing this – it’s not really something you can fix by yourself and at the moment, only one person has really noticed it. In some ways, I am quite worried because it took so long for me to become comfortable with telling people stuff and it seems like a few steps backwards. On the other hand, I’m used to bottling and this is the normal sort of side effect. I worry though, that I’m trying too hard to hold it together and eventually I just won’t be able to. Maybe I’ve used up all my energy to do that, and there’ll be a lot more problems then I guess.

What shocks me the most at the moment though is the realisation that I have some very deep-seated unhappiness. The surface ‘happiness’ and ‘contentment’ is there, but in many ways I’m not truly happy. I spend a lot of time worrying about the future, about what I can and can’t control. And there seems to be more and more that I can’t control. It’s a little bewildering at times. I’m even more insecure than I used to be, which again is a by-product of last year, yet at some point I have to realise that there’s no *reason* to be. Why can’t people be more reassuring though? Maybe it’s not for them to be more reassuring but for me to just believe – even then, aren’t I just setting myself up to get hurt? And thus we come back to the circular argument.

I went to the doctor on Sunday, and was meant to get a blood test as previously mentioned. I took my mum with me, as she knows a lot more about these things than I do so she could ask some questions about the test and also to request the specimen be sent a specific lab. Anyways, when we got in, she asked the doctor what sort of tests were being done and it took a few times before he replied “allergy tests” rather rudely. Then when she asked about sending it to a specific lab, he got rather aggressive and was all “Do you want treatment or not?! This is how we do things here.”. Well, as far as I know, a patient has the right to choose where they get their health care from as well as where their specimens and other tests are done. Moreover, I’ve never been to a doctor that has been so vague about the sort of treatment they are giving. Normally (and so it should be), they’ll tell you exactly what the test will (and won’t) tell you. Otherwise, what’s the point? Most people will want to know exactly what is wrong with their body – and what they need to do to as a result. I think I’m just more annoyed that he was so rude and wouldn’t answer our questions. Obviously, we left without the test being done – which is somewhat of a conundrum as well because now I’m not going to know what the test could have told me. Although, I maybe go back to my normal GP and talk to him about it. I think it will be a long time before I set foot inside a medical centre again – the treatment and level of care you receive when you visit one of those places is just not acceptable.

Other than that, weekend was rather boring. I cleaned up my room a little bit although I have a fair way to go. Big Day Out tickets arrived, so I’m quite excited. Also installed some RAM into my dad’s computer so hopefully that will shut him up for a bit. Oh, and bought a few suits before I start my new job. Guess it was still a pretty relaxing weekend, and was productive enough. I still have to do quit a few things before I go on houseboat and want to make sure they’re done so parents get off my back about it.

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This has not been a very good start to the year. I was coming home yesterday after the gym, and I don’t know what I did, but I snapped the frames of my glasses. So now the whole right arm has detached and obviously, I can’t wear them. This is rather annoying as I am quite attached to my glasses. Luckily, I had bought a new pair before I went to Europe, so I’m wearing them now. They weren’t meant for day-to-day wear though – I only intended to use them when dressing up. The lenses are thicker because they’re rimless frames, so the light refracts into the lens differently. Plus, the light reflects on the edges making them much more obvious to me. This pretty much means that my glasses are giving me a headache from wearing them for too long. I’ll be going to the optometrist tomorrow to see if they can be fixed (soldered) back together, but I kind of doubt it which means I’ll have to fork out like $300 for a new pair.

So, during my 10 days off I went to see the doctor because my eczema was unmanageable and I was having lots of trouble sleeping. He gave me prednisone, which I’d expected, and since taking it my skin seems to have calmed down a lot. I’m hoping that it’s broken the cycle and if I keep putting cream on it it’ll be ok. I’m going for a blood test on Sunday so hopefully that will shed some light onto what I’m allergic to so I can avoid it like crazy in the future. I’ve also cut a bunch of foods from my diet now, ones that are well-known allergens and I could have an intolerance too. It kind of sucks, but I suppose I don’t have much choice.

I’ve become somewhat addicted to this lemon-scented tea from Twinings. I drink it at work, and originally I was drinking like one a day. Then it became two a day… now it’s like three a day. It’s rather nice by itself, no need for sugar or milk so that’s cool. I’ve also taken to drinking camomile tea at night before bed. It is rather soothing and helps me to sleep so I’m quite impressed. Admittedly, it doesn’t taste that great, but tolerable enough.

Oh yes! In other news, I got tickets to the Big Day Out. Which is totally AWESOME. There’s no other word for it but AWESOME!!! After Homebake, I’m quite excited about seeing Eskimo Joe and The Butterfly Effect again. But the band I’m most stoked about seeing has got to be The Killers. Wooo. I’ve even listened to some of My Chemical Romance, but I don’t really like them on first listen. This time I’m going to remember a camera, and will definitely post up good photos afterwards :D

Started playing Tekken again, hoping I don’t get RSI this time. I’m getting better with Jin now, although he has this 10 hit combo which I don’t think anyone can pull off. It is kind of fun to customise your characters to play against the CPU. I did also try out Lemmings, but I think Mike enjoyed it more than I did. They are very very cute and hopefully I’ll get enough time to sit down and have a proper go at some of the more challenging levels. Must try to finish a game.

I was also looking on some of the PSP sites – seems they’ve released a custom firmware (3.02 OE-B) which allows you to loads PSX ISOs from the memory stick and play them on the PSP. So I can d/l the ISOs or buy some off the Sony site. I’m quite interested in investigating it, and M1ke e-mailed saying that he had got it working and it was pretty cool. To be honest, I’m not really sure what PSX games I’d want to play on the PSP considering the number of games I have at the moment that I haven’t played, but the possibility of having that entire library available to play – awesome.

We’ve also started playing Guild Wars again. Prophecies, not the expansion. Seems silly, but we never finished the game, and well – it did kind of get boring playing by myself all the time. The NPCs are complete idiots and never heal you properly so unless you’re heaps buff you’ll usually die. So yeah, playing about an hour a day is slow progress, but still fun. Not sure I could play for hours everyday anyways, but I do enjoy completing quests and getting items and things like that. Not sure what specialty I’ll make my necro yet. Most likely I’ll level the attributes for raising bone horrors and that sort of thing – I don’t like the curses much but maybe I haven’t got the good ones yet. I’ll be adding elementalist as my second profession so hopefully that’s a good combination. At the moment just waiting to get out of this ‘n00b’ part of the game.