wafblog v3.0

I got back from Fiji last night and I’m hoping to enjoy the last few days of the break before work starts again. I’ll have to blog about Fiji separately as I’ve lost the USB cable for my camera and can’t access my photos right now, which is most annoying!

The start of a new year is always great for re-assessing your life and deciding on some changes. Why we can’t do this continuously throughout the year is beyond me, but humans are funny creatures and I am no different. Regardless, I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking over how I’d like things to be and what I’d like my life to be like. So this year, I’m making a more concerted effort to come up with some decent resolutions and work harder at achieving them. I’ve tried to come up with one resolution for each ‘area’ of my life – work, relationships (not necessarily romantic ones), personal growth and health. Hopefully this is a balanced enough approach to see me through the year. So here they are:

• achieve some semblance of work/life balance
• meet new people (in general)
• lose weight (encapsulating exercise more, eat healthier, drink less)

They seem general enough, but they address most of what was causing me unhappiness in 2009. They’re also the areas that I’ve gotten most comments on from my close friends. From these few resolutions I’ve come up with a few goals – more tangible things that I can achieve and measure against at the end of the year. And the goals are as follows:

• Read 12 books (that’s one a month – should be a breeze, but I have to factor in busy season, Europe, life)
• Join a string ensemble/quartet/music group – hopefully this will force me to practise violin more (thanks to Manda for this)
• Blog more – already trying to do this one, but hopefully I can keep it to once a week minimum
• Take up a recreational sport – either swimming, tennis or indoor rock-climbing (or a bit of all three!)

I think all this will be enough to keep me very busy this year!

And so, another year has passed – guess it’s time for some reflections?

Despite finding that the year has passed me by, it’s been very long and quite eventful. On the sum of it, 2009 was not a good year. A lot of depressing things happened, and I think I finally awoke to the fact that work has fully consumed me. I’ve been officially on holidays since the 14th Dec, but I spent that first week doing work things from home. I think it worried me that towards the end of the year, I couldn’t actually force myself to do anymore work. Like I actually dreaded going to work, sitting in front of my laptop and couldn’t summon any enthusiasm to complete my tasks. I was spent.

These few weeks off have a been a godsend. I’ve always complained bitterly that the company forces us to take leave over Christmas. Mainly because this uses up my annual leave and I spend so much of it on study already, there’s not a lot left over for actual holidays. However, having these few weeks off has made me realise the wisdom of forcing people to take time off work. I’ve been able to completely forget about work and go out, meet up with friends, go to the beach, see movies, rest and relax. I didn’t realise just how much I needed this time off.

I was going to write about my new year’s resolutions, but doesn’t look I will have time to do so before heading to Fiji. I’ll just have to it when I get back.

So, being sick for 3 days gives you a lot of time to reflect on things. Well, that’s not reeaaally true. I’d already been reflecting on some of this. I think this whole being sick *AGAIN* has just made me think about it more. Yes. I am sick again. So annoyed at myself. I know I should not have pushed my body so far when I was sick the first time and even though I was recovering, I shouldn’t have been stupid and gone out and stuff >.<

I think I’ve just reached that time of the year again, where I question what the point of life is. And I still don’t know what that point is. Sure, I can be content in my job, with my friends, family… all that. I just am not sure if I’m missing something bigger. Is there more to life than what I’m doing now? Will this feeling ever change? I suppose not, and even if I went looking for more, I doubt that I would find it. I doubt that I would find an answer to the ‘meaning’ of life. Something to make me feel more satisfied. I wonder sometimes at whether my job is rewarding – not in monetary terms, but in a ‘contributing to society’ sort of way. I suppose it does. Much of the work we do provides assurance to the investors of the companies we audit. Which is an important function for the market and whatever, but I’m not entirely sure that this actually gives *me* job satisfaction. I dunno. I’ve been questioning it a lot lately, which is strange, because mostly I’ve tended to think of a job as a means to an end, and if I wasn’t particularly happy with my job I wasn’t too worried as I’ve always considered other things to be more important. Like friends, family. Maybe I was wrong about that – and maybe I want more from my job. Perhaps I just haven’t been there long enough to see the real ‘big picture’ just yet.

I think I’ve also come to realise that my priorities have been a bit off since I started working full-time. I knew that this job would be hard, I knew that it would demand a lot of my time and I knew that I would have to put a lot of energy into it if I wanted to succeed. I just didn’t think it would be this much. And maybe I didn’t think it would take this much of me. I’m not sure that I’m happy with the way it’s eaten my life. I don’t get to see my friends or my family as much as I would like to. Half the time, I don’t even know what’s going on with my best friend… that’s not the sort of friendship that I want. I come home feeling drained and don’t want to do anything more than sit in front of my computer and zone out. I don’t have the time or energy to pursue the things that I find interesting or want to learn more about. I have no hobbies and no time for band. I’m liking less and less that this is the case because I do not want to be defined by my job. I don’t believe that you should be define by your job, I don’t believe that it should be the only thing in your life. And I suppose I’m the only one that can control that. I guess I just haven’t been. So it’s time for me to re-organise my priorities, to determine what is important to me and what I should put more time towards. It’s time to learn to say no, and it’s time to say I need to be me.

Or at least, my web life. Time that I could be spending constructively (blogging… uhm, I can’t think of anything else) has now been devoured by the ’social utility’ webpage that is…. Facebook. It really should be called a social menace. But, everyday, I find myself going to there – to see who has added who, if anybody has new photos, what new groups I can join and more recently, what new applications I can stuff into my profile page. Admittedly, it’s made very easy some of the things I wanted to do with this blog. Like, movie reviews! And snap-in Last.FM playlist! And book lists! And soon I hope… game lists! So yeah. I’ll sit at Tichondrius and next thing I know…. four hours have rolled by. Must learn discipline.

I have come to realise that my life is currently this:

Monday-Thurday: Work. If do not finish in time, take work home.
Friday: Work. Go to closest bar. Drink lots of alcimahol. Eat. Drink more. Go to K. Drink more. Go home.
Saturday: Go out. Random events. Try to fit in: dentist appointments, meeting friends, spending time with boy. Usually there’s alcohol involved at night.
Sunday: Rest. Get told off by parents.

I really should try to drink less. Or at least, not be so intent on drinking such large amounts such that I have lose control. But that’s the appeal isn’t it? To lose that control. I suspect I have blogged about this before. And perhaps this is boring. But I think somewhere, in the back of my mind – I know that I shouldn’t need to. I shouldn’t get to a Friday and want that drink (or four). I was asked if I felt like I had something to prove. I probably do. Not sure why. Maybe I’m trying to live up the life that I thought other people were having when I was in uni or whatever. That I didn’t have because I would go home and be good. Or whatever. Somehow this sounds stupid when I try to rationalise it.

Met up with people from uni on the weekend. We went to the Redoak Boutique Beer Cafe! I haven’t seen a lot of people from uni for a while and it’s always good to catch up. Found that people had fragmented into their small groups even more than before and didn’t really get to talk to some of them. That’s probably more my fault than anything. I get comfy with the people that I do talk to and as much as I’ve learnt to be more social, I, like everyone else, tend to stick to the things I know. And then complain that I don’t see enough people or know what’s going on with my friends. So I really should make more effort to keep up. Now to find the time….  I did however, get to try a blackberry beer. And a bunch of others that I don’t know the names to because they came with my food. Must go there again!!

I whinge a lot on here don’t I? Maybe because it’s the outlet for all the bad stuff. Or the stuff that sits on my mind and I don’t really tell people because it’s mainly introspection. My life probably isn’t as bad as I make it out to be. Although recently I can’t seem to do anything right by mum. Which again, is my fault. I should’ve put more effort into her birthday. But this whole her being sick thing, I do not believe makes me the most awful daughter in the world. I do care – and I do make sure she’s ok. Maybe I just don’t do in the way she wants. I got like half a dozen lectures recently, which were all topped off with a “I’ve given up on you ever showing me a little bit of love”. Far out. My parents have never really been the type of parents to be all cuddly with their child or whatever. And we never talk about our feelings or whatever. That’s some other family in some other universe. So what I don’t get, is why all of a sudden that’s meant to be MY family? And why I get lambasted for it? I must’ve missed something somewhere… I’m just not sure where.

So, I haven’t blogged in forever. And I will update..

But really, just wanted to get some things off my chest. Suddenly had an influx of people needing help. Of varying sorts and varying degrees, but help nonetheless. Do these things come in cycles? Or deluges or something? I’m not sure. And it’s not like I mind – I’m more than happy to listen and provide support or whatever’s needed. I just haven’t had that happen for a while. Everything seems better now, and everything’s under control.

Had this really strange ‘down’ feeling today though. Not sure why, maybe compounding stuff?  Work is strange – some days are totally awesome and I’m gettin’ it and it’s all good. And then other days it’s like, falling apart everywhere and I feel like I know nothing. I think I like stability. Surprises usually don’t go my way. And I get that I’m still finding my way. But I feel so unbalanced right now. Not sure how to fix it – because I’m finding that I’m actually happy with things, mostly. And if I’m happy then I’m not sure I should change it. But I think it’s making some people in my life unhappy, and that’s not going to make me happy in the end.

I am absolutely loving this song “The Story” by 30 Seconds to Mars. Yes, the Jared Leto band. And yes, he does seem emo. But the album actually isn’t bad and there are some stand out songs (like this one!). I saw the video clip for “From Yesterday” and thought WTF, but I suppose that’s what they were going for.

I’ve been thinking of everything
I used to want to be
I’ve been thinking of everything
Of me, of you and me

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

I’m in the middle of nothing
And it’s where I want to be
I’m at the bottom of everything
And I finally start to leave

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
I created

And I swear to god
I’ve found myself
In the end

In the end

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
30 Seconds to Mars – The Story

Hrm. Saw ‘Spider-man 3′ last week. I am still undecided on whether I liked it or not. I think that means not. Some parts were very well done, but overall I find it difficult to say that it was a good movie. I’m not sure I want to watch another either. I did like what they did with Venom, but obviously, they didn’t flesh him out enough. Shame – Spider-man 1 & 2 are the best adaptations of comic books, I think.

So, I’ve had this draft of a post sitting in WordPress for like, the last month or so… and it’s meant to be all about what I’ve been up to for the last two months or so. Eventually, I’ll get around to updating it properly. You can see photos here, however. Maybe even put a comment or two :P

Anyways, I’m going up to Brisbane for the Easter weekend. It’s not my first time going to Brisbane, but it is my first time visiting Mike’s family. I’m not really sure what to expect and I feel like there’s pressure on me to… well, I don’t know. I’ve met them before and have gotten along with them all so really there’s nothing to be worried about. But that doesn’t mean I don’t worry anyways. Naturally I feel like I’m going to be judged. That’s normal isn’t it? I’m sure my parents judge Mike every time he comes over, even if they don’t say anything. Perhaps it’s more that I’m putting some pressure on myself? I want to be liked and accepted. Perhaps I just want to be deemed ‘worthy’.

Hopefully when I get back, I’ll have time to finish off that post and start blogging regularly again. I know that I haven’t written for like 2 months, but partly that’s because I’ve found other avenues for getting stuff out. Blogging is a great platform for venting about everyday life and things. But I’ve found recently that e-mailing is in some ways, more therapeutic. You get a well thought out response from someone who cares and has an interest on what you’re saying. There’s feedback to your thoughts and new insights. Whilst I don’t think it will take over blogging, I’ve been a bit stretched for time and have found it to be a more rewarding investment at the moment.