wafblog v3.0

I guess it was bound to happen eventually, and I was sort of seeing the signs but it’s only really now that I’ve realised the full extent of it. It’s kind of scary how much I’ve changed and possible in a backwards sort of way. I’ve never been that open about my feelings, but there’s always been people who have been able to pry me open and get me to talk. I think I spent a lot of last year bottling things and trying to hold it all together for fear of completely falling apart. And then after that, I spent a lot of energy on trying to be ‘better’. But I haven’t dealt with the problems that were there, or the issues that I had (still have) in regards to them. I get the impression that they’re lingering just below the surface and unless I force the issue, may never be dealt with in the proper context. On top of that, I have even more trouble verbalising how I feel now. For fear of being weak, for fear of rejection or ridicule or something else.

To quote Grey’s, I’m “broken”. And much more broken than I thought I was. I am no longer fighting the urge to shut down, and I think that’s because in most aspects I already have. I’m not really sure how to go about fixing this - it’s not really something you can fix by yourself and at the moment, only one person has really noticed it. In some ways, I am quite worried because it took so long for me to become comfortable with telling people stuff and it seems like a few steps backwards. On the other hand, I’m used to bottling and this is the normal sort of side effect. I worry though, that I’m trying too hard to hold it together and eventually I just won’t be able to. Maybe I’ve used up all my energy to do that, and there’ll be a lot more problems then I guess.

What shocks me the most at the moment though is the realisation that I have some very deep-seated unhappiness. The surface ‘happiness’ and ‘contentment’ is there, but in many ways I’m not truly happy. I spend a lot of time worrying about the future, about what I can and can’t control. And there seems to be more and more that I can’t control. It’s a little bewildering at times. I’m even more insecure than I used to be, which again is a by-product of last year, yet at some point I have to realise that there’s no *reason* to be. Why can’t people be more reassuring though? Maybe it’s not for them to be more reassuring but for me to just believe - even then, aren’t I just setting myself up to get hurt? And thus we come back to the circular argument.