The Disconnect

I’m so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I’m so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die

I don’t normally remember my dreams. Most of the time I wake up and I don’t remember dreaming at all. Other times, I’ll wake up and have a few lingering images in my head. About a week ago, I had the most bizarre dream. Someone I know (and I won’t name who), was trying to kill me. And it was in this weird stalkerish way. I was walking down the street with a friend and this person would come and taunt me. It wasn’t violent or gory, and I woke up before anything particularly unpleasant happened. I just feel really weirded out for like, the next three days. I think I’m *still* weirded out about it, because the person I dreamed was trying to kill me is someone I actually know and would consider a friend. I just found it really unnerving because usually I won’t remember what I’ve dreamed, and honestly, I don’t really remember ever having a nightmare like most people do. I’ve never dreamed that I was falling into a bottomless pit. This is the first time I’ve ever (remembered) dreaming about being chased like that.

But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores of freedom,
Where no one lives.

Onto more pleasant things, I had my first session with my personal trainer yesterday. My body is punishing me today. My arms/shoulders hurt from doing push ups (I only managed 8 proper ones \:) and my thighs hurt from the run. But, I did rightly guess that I could only make it 5 minutes running. The personal trainer seems pretty nice, and good at motivating people. However, his favourite phrase is “challenge your body”, closely followed by “overcome the challenge”. That is somewhat aggravating, but I get what he’s saying and what he’s trying to do. And honestly, I’ll achieve much more if I have some goals than if I keep going the way I normally do and don’t push myself. I just have to remember not to take the stairs the next day.

But right now
Everything is turning blue,
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores of freedom,
Where no one lives

I’m sweating it out at the moment, waiting for my uni results to come out. The MyUni thing says that official results will be mailed out mid July. Well it’s mid July dammit, so why aren’t they at least online? So I am a little worried about my marks, but really I just want them back so I can move onto other things and know that uni is finished. I guess I just want to have one less thing to worry over. I must be one of the most impatient people around, so I hope they realise this and send my results SOON.

I wanna be the first to call and tell you
Yesterday I heard the news
I hear you oughtta be congratulated
So I guess that’s what I’ll do

I’m a bit confused at the moment. I’m not entirely sure I know what it is I want anymore. Or it’s like that work/love/house triumvirate thing is not all it could be. (If you don’t get the reference – watch ‘Secret Life Of Us’). I’ve got the work part, and it’s going well. Job’s good, a bit boring, but most days there’s something new and I’m not looking at exactly the same spreadsheet. The house thing is ok too. Parents are a little more relaxed than they were before, and I’ve got more freedom to go out and do what I want. It’s a really good feeling although I keep having this feeling that my parents are going to turn around and find some reason to stop me from going out and doing what I want. So that leaves the last part. I guess I just want concrete answers. I want to know where I should be heading, and what I should be preparing myself for. Everyone reacts differently, and everyone deals differently. That’s cool. I react by shutting down. Or annoying my closest friends with the incessant need to dissect everything into little pieces. I guess that’s just how it works. I don’t like uncertainty. It’s much much easier to make decisions if you know all the facts. Which comes back to Rosi’s current philosophy that you make your decisions based on what you know at the time and you have to be satisfied you made the right decision. That whole no regrets thing didn’t work out so well.

I don’t think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I’m so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

About wafball

Rosi is now in her third decade on this Earth. Her blog is very old, but maybe she will get back into it one day.
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