wafblog v3.0

wow. it’s been a couple of days since i last blogged.

there’s so much to say.. i feel like i’ve fallen in love all over again. which is kinda weird. but yeah.. i’ve spent every night the past week on the phone to mike. until something like 3am in the morning. actually the latest was 5:20am. he beat su’s record of 5am. and promptly fell asleep whilst on the phone to me LOL it was kinda cute tho (: anyways, back to the point. i guess i feel like i see him in a completely different way now, and i’m starting to get to know him. i mean *really* know him. how he thinks, what he wants from life… the important stuff. it was kind of weird at the beginning, because in previous relationships i never really talked to my bf on the phone unless we were having an argument or a fight or something. so yeah, it’s been really different, but i’m happy about it (: so yeah.. i’m in love. head over heels. and i know i tried to stop it, but i guess there was no stopping it. and love is one of those things you know? there’s no point stopping it, you just gotta feel what you feel, and do what you can. it’s weird, i’ve never felt this way about anybody before. i’m amazed that i can care for somebody as much as i care for him. he makes my heart sing, and always brings a smile to my face just thinking about him.

anyways…… enough mushy stuff from me :P

so i’m really starting to build my website now. decided on at least two sections (Well, main page and of course, my blog) and we’ve decided on a name – tylandrian – so now we can sign up for our plan and register our domain name! started doing a few logo type things in paintshop pro 8, which is cool. it’s so much more advanced than when i first started using way back in like.. version 4 or something. so i’m having to relearn how to do half the stuff. but i got some designs done, and it’s looking to be pretty groovy. very excited, and i really hope my site gets off the ground this time. mainly hoping to use it to learn coding and things. also want to start taking photos and stuff, play with the digital camera. always wanted to dabble in that, see what i can do and explore my creative side, i guess.

hrm.. i stayed home today… was feeling really sick in the morning when i woke up. couldn’t get rid of the feeling that i was going to throw up, and my stomach was all churny. probs all the emotional stress and lack of sleep catching up to me.. |:
so i ended up sleeping until like 3:30 in the arvo.. altho i kept waking up every hour or so.. which was kinda weird.

watched this chinese movie (twins effect) about vampires that su gave to me. it was pretty funky (: need to improve my canto tho..

watched the rest of kill bill too. god that was good :D except when the blood fully *spurts* out.. cos that was like.. i dunno if it’s realistic or not. but like.. got a bit much. especially when she cut off the girl’s arm. MY GOD. ):

anyways, phone.

so uhm.. here i am at work. it’s 4:27pm. simon left half an hour ago, i’ve finished my work for the day, and now i’m just sitting here by myself. and that sucks. cos when you have nothing to do and you’re by yourself, your mind tends to wander. a lot. to things you don’t want to think about.

i feel sick after eating that damn sandwich. or maybe it’s too much coffee. i think i’m shaking. maybe i’m just paranoid. i can’t sit still. i think i’ll go for a jog tonight. maybe i’ll get run over by a car. maybe i shouldn’t think like this ): the worst thing is, i don’t even want to be thinking like this. i just can’t help it.

i wonder how i got to be like this. i mean, where along the way did i pick up this personality? why couldn’t i have been different? why can’t i be the person i’ve always *wanted* to be? or is that some unattainable “goal” that i’ll never achieve. and i’m just destined to be this person that i’ll hate for the rest of my life?

a person i once had immense respect for told me that ppl should not be scared of revealing their feelings for somebody else, because at the end of the day all that’s happened is that somebody in the world knows that somebody else cares about them. and i see that kind of logic. i wonder if the fact that this person liked me at the time should make me take it with a grain of salt. it’s kinda weird tho. cos like, you look at the things in your life, and at the end of the day, it’s not really that simple is it? feelings are some really complex entity, and nobody really knows what’s going on. they feel what they feel, and you can never really explain why you feel it. like, you’re upset cos you feel betrayed. but what does it mean to “feel” betrayed? and all you’re left with is an inadequate bunch of words to describe something that … always was indescribable.

i once thought that i was good person. that i could walk through life and be who i am and that if i remained true to myself, i couldn’t go wrong. these days, i look at myself, and i wonder what happened. where did it all go wrong? cos i can’t see it. i can’t. and it hurts.

it’s kinda ironic that i see crying as a weak thing to do, but right now i wish that the one thing i could do is cry. but i just can’t seem to bring myself to do it. it’s like some subconscious thing where i just won’t allow myself to. and that just makes it all that much more difficult to deal with.

i never found the perfect solution to helping myself when i was depressed. time to myself was just time to run away and not deal with it. and when you get back, it’s still there. just worse, cos it’s had time to fester. and grow, and become some big unfixable problem. maybe life’s just one big unfixable problem.

i could sit here for the rest of the afternoon and just keep typing. but what’s the point… it’s not going to help any. i don’t even know what i’m saying anymore. just typing everything that comes to mind, and that doesn’t even make sense to me. maybe i’m not meant to make sense of it.

one last question tho… does anybody ever really know what they want from life? and if they do, how do they know? how do they know what it is they really want? that it’ll make them *happy*?

bah. let’s stop.
before i get philosophical.
a nice bench in the middle of a park with some trees overhead, a good book, and some damn depressing music. that’s what i need.

i gotta type quickly, so this can actually make it into the 15th as a log.
but i doubt i can type quickly enough.

so uhm.. finally told mike. i was so scared… but i’d decided that i would, and there was no backing out. i think it’s going to take a long time for me to get over it. to accept that i hurt somebody i love. and i’m not sure i will get over it. a lot of the things i’ve done in the past still haunt me today when i think about them, and i know i shouldn’t live in the past, or continue to blame myself, but i can’t help it. *sigh*. i haven’t felt like crying in a long time, but still haven’t cried. i guess i feel i don’t deserve to, or just can’t let it all out. always have to be in control of my emotions. which is impossible, cos i think emotions are the one thing you can’t control.

anyways, digressing… so i talked to mike. and he still wants to be with me. not sure what he sees in me… but it must be something worth sticking around for… cos i don’t think i know anybody who would. so i’m determined to fix things. i know a lot of stuff that’s happened in previous relationships has affected my current attitude towards life, but somebody told me not too long ago that the past didn’t matter. and you have to put 100% into everything, especially when it comes to love, otherwise you’d regret it later. i’m gonna make sure i do that, try and change my attitude towards life, see what comes of it.

i can’t stop listening to the megadeth song. the lyrics are so haunting.. and somehow very applicable… it’s weird, cos they’re really depressing, but i find them liberating? it’s like, i could imagine it being played at my funeral because it’s got the most appropriate lyrics.

well, looks like i should head off.. nobody’s online. and i took so long to write, it’s now the 16th of feb.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MANDA!!!!!

it’s interesting how quickly things change. how you can go from thinking one thing to another in the space of.. 5 mins.

i’m too tired, and far too shocked to say anything that’s going to make any sense…

song of the week:
it was going to be Rob Dougan ft. Sugababes – “Too Lost In You” for the whole trance thing, but then my good friend Exar (Crazy MooseR!) told me to d/l Megadeth – “A Tout Le Monde” and now that is *the* song of the week. it’s such a good song… some lyrics?

Don’t remember where I was
I realized life was a game
The more seriously I took things
The harder the rules became
I had no idea what it’d cost
My life passed before my eyes
I found out how little I accomplished
All my plans denied

Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living are scarred

i have so much to say, that i cannot.
work’s been heaps of fun, i’m learning heaps.. i think it’s got a lot to do with enjoying what i’m doing, the ppl are great, and i can get away from the daily crap of uni.
we were putting on temporary tattoos yesterday, that was pretty fun (:

i’m thinking of getting a proper temporary tattoo done, one of the ones that lasts for about a month. always wanted a tattoo, but i don’t think i could handle something so permanent… so maybe that would be a good way to have a bit of fun (: experiment a little! :D

hrm. song of the week: busted – “crashed the wedding”. it’s HORRIBLY pop-rock, i can’t believe it.. it’s like, worse than good charlotte. so i dunno what’s wrong with me :P altho, i’ve been listening to a lot of trance lately, and that’s been great! really helps with the programming and stops me from falling asleep LOL :D

I’m so rushed off my feet, (oh-oh)
Looking for Gorden street,
So much I need to say,
I’m sorry that its on her wedding day…
Coz she’s so right for me, (oh-oh)
Her daddy disagrees,
He’s always hated me,
Coz I never got, a j-o-b…

She’s glad I crashed the wedding…
It’s better than regretting… (it’s better than regretting)
The ring she got was lame
She couldn’t take the pain,
She didn’t want a silly second name (no no no no)
Coz true love lasts forever, (true love lasts)
And now we’re back together
You might as well forget her
And walk away
She’s glad I crashed the wedding…