so uhm.. here i am at work. it’s 4:27pm. simon left half an hour ago, i’ve finished my work for the day, and now i’m just sitting here by myself. and that sucks. cos when you have nothing to do and you’re by yourself, your mind tends to wander. a lot. to things you don’t want to think about.
i feel sick after eating that damn sandwich. or maybe it’s too much coffee. i think i’m shaking. maybe i’m just paranoid. i can’t sit still. i think i’ll go for a jog tonight. maybe i’ll get run over by a car. maybe i shouldn’t think like this ): the worst thing is, i don’t even want to be thinking like this. i just can’t help it.
i wonder how i got to be like this. i mean, where along the way did i pick up this personality? why couldn’t i have been different? why can’t i be the person i’ve always *wanted* to be? or is that some unattainable “goal” that i’ll never achieve. and i’m just destined to be this person that i’ll hate for the rest of my life?
a person i once had immense respect for told me that ppl should not be scared of revealing their feelings for somebody else, because at the end of the day all that’s happened is that somebody in the world knows that somebody else cares about them. and i see that kind of logic. i wonder if the fact that this person liked me at the time should make me take it with a grain of salt. it’s kinda weird tho. cos like, you look at the things in your life, and at the end of the day, it’s not really that simple is it? feelings are some really complex entity, and nobody really knows what’s going on. they feel what they feel, and you can never really explain why you feel it. like, you’re upset cos you feel betrayed. but what does it mean to “feel” betrayed? and all you’re left with is an inadequate bunch of words to describe something that … always was indescribable.
i once thought that i was good person. that i could walk through life and be who i am and that if i remained true to myself, i couldn’t go wrong. these days, i look at myself, and i wonder what happened. where did it all go wrong? cos i can’t see it. i can’t. and it hurts.
it’s kinda ironic that i see crying as a weak thing to do, but right now i wish that the one thing i could do is cry. but i just can’t seem to bring myself to do it. it’s like some subconscious thing where i just won’t allow myself to. and that just makes it all that much more difficult to deal with.
i never found the perfect solution to helping myself when i was depressed. time to myself was just time to run away and not deal with it. and when you get back, it’s still there. just worse, cos it’s had time to fester. and grow, and become some big unfixable problem. maybe life’s just one big unfixable problem.
i could sit here for the rest of the afternoon and just keep typing. but what’s the point… it’s not going to help any. i don’t even know what i’m saying anymore. just typing everything that comes to mind, and that doesn’t even make sense to me. maybe i’m not meant to make sense of it.
one last question tho… does anybody ever really know what they want from life? and if they do, how do they know? how do they know what it is they really want? that it’ll make them *happy*?
bah. let’s stop.
before i get philosophical.
a nice bench in the middle of a park with some trees overhead, a good book, and some damn depressing music. that’s what i need.
